Posts Tagged 'body language'

Your Feelings are Showing

Communication is often equated to finding the right words to express oneself. This may be sufficient for writing an email or a thank you note, Boredom in the officebut when communicating in person, there is a huge portion of your expression of which you are probably not conscious, and those you speak with don’t have to be super intuitive to pick up on these messages.

When I was a teenager, my mother told me, “Rolling your eyes or sighing are just as much talking back as a verbal argument,” and there were consequences for these expressions even without my verbally talking back. And honestly, when a coworker rolled his eyes in response to the speaker in a meeting, it felt just as rude as if he had verbally called her stupid. He wasn’t even aware that he had done that and now wonders why relations with that coworker are strained.

Unconscious communications are hard to hide for those of us without certain personality disorders. A coworker turns red in the face and scowls whenever anyone disagrees with her in even the most polite way. A customer service representative says he’s sorry he can’t help you and yet smiles as he disappoints you. You get the message loud and clear and yet may feel you cannot complain about the behavior because it isn’t overt.

We don’t always get the expressions right. The person scowling in the audience may be seriously considering what you say. The one who is smiling at your presentation may be thinking about last night’s date. But in most interactions, you really can’t fool anyone about your true feelings, and your true feelings are not always acceptable ones. How do you communicate without inadvertently offending people?

You can become hyper aware of your expressions and keep a lid on any which convey unacceptable messages, but this takes a lot of effort and you will probably forget and let the mask slip when you get absorbed in the business at hand.

When you do catch yourself sending a potentially offensive message with your expression, it can help to explain yourself. “If I’m scowling, it’s because I can’t figure out a foolproof way to implement that policy,” or, “I’m sighing as I try to imagine how we could do what you suggest,” or, “I’m sorry, that reminded me of something funny, I’m not laughing at what you said.”

If you really want to communicate constructively, it may be wise to cultivate a basic respect and patience for the people you deal with, so your expressions are less likely to convey contempt or anger. It isn’t a quick trick, but it is quite foolproof.

 

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Quick and Dirty Body Language Reading Tutorial

Skeptic. Doubtful woman looking at youIf you hope to avoid unsafe people, it helps to be able to read the non verbal cues.  The interviewer tells you, “I have a collaborative management style.”   Your date says, “We are so similar it’s scary!”  Your coworker assures you, “You can trust me to support you.” It sounds great. Is it true?

When we think of communication we usually think of language; written and spoken, possibly illustrated with pictures, facial expressions or gestures. When we listen to words, we focus conscious attention on an estimated 7% of of the communication.

Almost all of the information we communicate s is not verbal. Most of us pick up this information without being consciously aware of it, and nonverbal communication may be far more reliable than spoken words. It is easy to lie verbally. It is not so easy to get the body to go along with the story. But how to read what the body says?

You could watch The Mentalist for some tips, but then, you look peculiar when you peer into someone’s face to see if their pupils contracted or their lip twitched. You can learn to read eye movements which indicate whether another person is remembering or fabricating, but you run the risk of misunderstanding these cues if you are the least bit dyslexic, and once you figure out that you are talking with a left handed person, you’ve missed half of what was said and he’s written you off as flaky and inattentive.

If you do not read social cues, (and some of us don’t,) you might want to learn how, bit by bit, The Mentalist way. For others of us who do not play professional poker and just want to know if there’s something fishy about the hiring manager, or the guy we met on ConsciousSingles.com, that much skill and detail are not really necessary. You probably already read nonverbal language fairly accurately all the time. You’re just not conscious of it.

The short cut for becoming aware of non verbal cues is your feelings. How do you feel? Do you feel queasy in the job interview? Or, do you get a peaceful easy feeling with the guy you met online?  Do you get vague feelings of unease when your coworker enters the room, or is it more like a sharp pain?  The feeling gives you an executive summary of the entire interaction.

Appreciate the validation of feelings which support the words you are hearing.  Be alert to the feelings which are incongruent with the verbal conversation.  There’s always a chance that heavy feeling is something you had for lunch, but once you rule out the food,  attend to feelings of dread, anxiety, suspicion, or any sense of disempowerment.

If those feelings don’t motivate you to get outta Dodge, then ask searching questions, read the fine print a couple of times, and sleep on the decision.


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