Archive for the 'Bullying' Category

Are You Involved with a Dangerous Person?

wolf in sheeps clothing cartoon

You have had some painful experiences.  You suffered narcissistic abuse from a partner or you were targeted by a bully at work.   You didn’t see the warnings.   As is so often the case, this person treated you especially well at the start, and turned up the heat so slowly you barely noticed it.

Added to that, there’s a better than average chance that you grew up being taught to ignore bad behavior, tolerate boundary violations, and maybe coached to ignore your fears and worries.  There may have been conflicts explained away as,  “nothing to be afraid of.”   Perhaps obvious violations were denied, with, “your cousin would never do that!”     Your feelings could have been minimized with arguments like, “you don’t really hate your sister!”

However badly others tried to bend your reality and no matter how well meant they were, the good news is this:  your perceptions are still intact and probably very highly refined.

I’ve never met a target of abuse or bullying who didn’t have a very well tuned sensitivity to others, ranging to acute intuitive abilities.  You have exactly the skills you need to identify potentially dangerous relationships.

You just need to apply those perceptual skills and trust them!

Much of the time, it is really quite simple to identify a person who is dangerous to be around.  Good relationships feel good.  Bad relationships do not feel good.  If you frequently feel bad around a person, that is probably not a good relationship for you.

If you frequently feel bad around many people, it’s probably due to your own “stuff.”  The rule is still quite simple.  If you feel bad around someone, more than usual, or more than you do around anyone else, question why you would spend any more time with this person.

In personal interactions this is quite easy.  If you feel bad about the interactions, or confused by the behavior, shake the dust from your feet.  Move on.  It will not get better.

In professional interactions, this is not not always so easy.  You may find you are able to work quite well with someone you do not especially like, if the interaction is respectful.  On the other hand, you may, at least in the short run, have to work with someone who is very toxic.  Still, if a particular person causes you pain, start looking for ways to get out of the situation.

Those of us who have found most relationships painful, may argue that this is not realistic, but here is another bit of good news:  Good relationships are not particularly painful.

Good relationships are available, but you may not have held out for them if you don’t think they are possible.  If you wonder about this, watch for my next post which will give you reassurance that safe and rewarding relationships exist.

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Chains of Command

chains are joined together by a padlock. isolated on white.

What are you required to do to earn your paycheck?  If you work in the typical organization, you may be taking orders to which you did not agree.

Sure, you agreed to perform your duties, support your manager and team to accomplish given objectives.  There are hours you must work, behaviors required on the job.  You have priorities, strategies and tactics.  This is all straightforward and usually explicit.

There are probably also unofficial agreements for getting along, such as:  Don’t swear around that VP.  You may notice cultural norms such as:   Don’t share personal information.  Often, someone has tipped you off about these rules.

You may also encounter unofficial rules which are largely unspoken and unacknowledged.  These are the ones which should concern you.  Such rules are usually designed to control more of your behavior than your work-for-money agreement would have you believe.  They may be silly or sinister, define your problem solving style, whose opinions you can support, whether you can make friends at work, and who those friends should be.

In a healthy culture, such rules are few and benign.  But, in many organizations fear and uncertainty surround these off-the-books rules.  Often the rules enforce a pecking order;  who gets to be an insider, who is an outsider.  They can also severely limit the available options for solving problems and being productive, through fear or through favoring the aggressive rather than the competent.

Those in service to a psychopathic leader or culture find themselves going along more and more with such inappropriate control and experiencing more and more fear about failing to comply.  The source of the prescribed behavior may be the manager or the coworker mob.  The punishment for not complying is subtle but painful.  This is how bullying cultures reinforce abusive behavior.

You know it’s wrong to thwart Smith’s attempts to do her job, but you also know the boss doesn’t like Smith and doesn’t want you to like her, so you can get away with hindering Smith in her work.  You rationalize that you are too busy to get Smith information she requested.  You tell yourself that Smith is probably a bad employee and that’s why the boss treats her badly.  When she speaks in meetings, you discredit her ideas.  When Smith cracks under pressure, everyone pities her weakness and claims to have had no malice toward her whatsoever.

These are the chains of command, the inappropriate control, which seems to exist in most if not all organizations.  You may be unconscious of it or you may think this is just the way it is.   Once acknowledged, it can look frighteningly like a police state, especially in an economy with a huger-than-ever disparity between the haves and have nots.

Take a new look at Smith this week.  Is she really weak?  Question whether she really has a performance problem.  After all, her boss should be dealing privately with such issues.   If you have the bandwidth, you may give some thought to whether Smith has been made ineffective by all the blocks and diversions of coworkers.

It can be scary to consider that you have been coerced into being one of the bullying mob.  It might be easier to consider being secretly and subversively kind to Smith.  Quietly get her the information she needs.  Refuse to roll your eyes when she speaks in a staff meeting.  If she cracks under pressure, don’t say a darn thing!

What is Power Over Behavior?

babsPower over behavior is hostile behavior which is considered acceptable in most parts of our society. It is one-up-manship that assumes that in an interaction one person must be superior and the other inferior. It considers sensitivity a weakness.
This mentality is so prevalent on sitcoms, in schools, locker rooms and conference rooms that we hardly even notice it. We may wonder why we feel so tattered and torn after interactions with so many others.

Power over is a mentality in which I win and you lose and sharing power is a poor second to scoring power. I can insult or disrespect you and hurt you. If you complain, that shows you can’t take it. You are too sensitive. To a bully sensitivity is not strength but a weakness.

This model of power is typical among many middle school students, insurance company offices, and tribes of baboons. This mode of behavior is widely accepted, though to a discerning eye, bullies seem no more than knuckle-dragging Neanderthals.
The various forms of power over behavior listed below (and more) constitute verbal abuse. Oh, and by the way, the effects of verbal abuse are widely known to be more severe than the effects of physical battering; causing intrusive thoughts and interfering with the freedom to express one’s self.

So if you are dealing with power over at work, at home or at school, don’t be surprised if you have symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder and reactions that seem like they are out of proportion. Your reactions are not out of proportion. This form of abuse is subtle and insidious. It creeps into the cracks of your self esteem and can highjack your ability to see your own flaws, making you consider yourself at fault when you are not.

Cut yourself a lot of slack. Consider trauma therapy.

Here are forms of power over behavior.
• Not listening
• Failing to make eye contact
• Forgetting your name
• Interrupting you
• Using you statements to blame, shame or define.
• Acting superior with eye rolling, sighs, repeating things slowly as if you were incapable of understanding.
• Withholding – not speaking or failing to greet you.
• Not allowing you into a casual conversation by ignoring you or physically closing you out of the circle.
• Contradicting
• Diminishing or dismissing your feelings or your opinions
• Finding minute fault with what you have said and derailing your message.
• Chronic criticism
• Blame and often shame
• Defining you, for example, “You always have to be right,” or “You think you know everything.”

If you hear these, do not be deceived, you are dealing with controlling, one-up behavior.  I am not trying to be flippant, but the best thing to do is find another playground if you can.  Take it from me.  There are better ones where others play nice.


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